I’ve started to write and illustrate a small graphic novel about Danny’s pancreatic journey. I don’t know if I can do this. I barely can look at pictures of him without crying but I feel like there are many people going through this that may benefit from his story. It will be my second graphic novel. The last one took a year to finish. So I have no idea when this will be done but it’s a start.
Dreamland
I had such a vivid dream of Danny last night. I dreamt he appeared , just a solid and real as you and me. I was thrilled, even though I knew he was a ghost. It was so nice to be with my love again. There was just one little glitch, no one else saw him but me. I didn’t care, I was just so happy he was back. Everyone stared at me as I went about my life talking and interacting with my invisible friend. I never was one to care at all what other people think, so I didn’t let that interfere with our new ghost and wife life. It all came back to realitity when I woke up alone .
Perhaps the dream was wishful thinking, or was it Danny’s way of comforting me? Either way it was a wonderful dream, that gave me one night with my beloved Danny.
Understanding sadness
“The best thing for being sad,” replied Merlin, beginning to puff and blow, “is to learn something. That’s the only thing that never fails. You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only love, you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or know your honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds. There is only one thing for it then — to learn. Learn why the world wags and what wags it. That is the only thing which the mind can never exhaust, never alienate, never be tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never dream of regretting. Learning is the only thing for you. Look what a lot of things there are to learn.”
–T.H. White, (from: The Once and Future King)
I have four undergraduate degrees. Art, science, psychology and creative writing. Two are science based and two are creative based. Even though I’ve never really ” used” these degrees in tradional 9-5 cubicle kind of way, I’ve drawn on the knowledge I’ve accumulated over the 30+ years of sitting in a school chair. So now that I am experiencing the intense loss of my mate, I find myself watching and wondering about the grief process. The scientist/ psychologist part of me finds it interesting how my mind and body reacts the worst stress it ever has experienced. If it is even the worst.
As a seven year old little girl, I was abandoned, along with my four brothers, in a catholic orphanage. I felt fear and self- hatred. I was convinced my mother didn’t want me because I wasn’t good enough. My stress reactions included peeing in bed, thumb sucking and self mutilation by ripping out handfuls of hair. At one point I stood on a high window ledge preparing to jump. I didn’t.
I not only didn’t jump, I adapted to orphanage life. I thrived. I was a small defenseless child with very few coping mechanisms. It took everything I had to survive and stay happy at that hard point in my life. Here I am again at another devastating change. My relationship with Danny was the real fairy tale. We loved each other so much that people wished they could have what we had. Disney would never had written a script to end a 43 year old romance this way. Yet this very thing is going to happen to most of you. You will lose someone dear to you. How will you survive that?
I’ve observed the physical and mental symptoms that I have experienced during my ordeal with death of a loved one. Of course you would have different symptoms but I find it interesting how my body and mind responds to stress ( as I sit here contemplating my belly button).
For me, I’ve noticed the part that went first was my speech center. I replaced one word with another, sometimes not even knowing it. I couldn’t speak clearly. It’s like my mouth became unable to form the words. I’d be unable to find the words I wanted to say. I forget even the names of people I’ve known for a long time.
The other physical symptom that happened when I first find out my husband was dying, was hair loss. I started shedding like a cat. My hair would fall in massive amounts in the shower. You would’ve thought I was the one getting chemo. Thank God, that stopped and most of it grew back by now. I’m happy that I’m not a bald widow!
Now my worst problem is the inertia. I find myself just staring into space a lot. Feeling numb and empty. I just don’t feel like doing anything. I am normally a person with an excessive amount of energy. Always doing or making something. It seems that the stress has zapped my energy. I sleep longer. I normally only sleep six hours a night and that worked perfect for me. Now I sleep seven, sometimes eight hours.
My tolerance for other people is way down. I get annoyed easier. My attention span is shorter. I cry over everything. Just saying “Danny” makes me cry. Just writing “Danny ” makes me cry. I know time will help. But I’m already tired of this mourning crap. I want to ” fix” this grief. I want it to go away so I can be happy again and carry on with my life.
So what do I do? I do as I always do I turn to the knowledge of the learned. I’m educating myself on Grief. I’m learning how different cultures handle grief. I’m learning the psychology of grief. I’m learning the science of grief and I’m learning the art of grief. I’m getting out my big guns! So take that you fucking grief!
A new beginning.
This is me at Knoebels amusement park. My kids and friends have been keeping me busy.
This is me all alone for the first time in 43 years. Danny and I used to go here all the time. We even used to ride the Harley up here just to eat chicken and waffles and then turn around and go home.
I thought I might totally fall apart after Danny died. So far so good. Maybe it’ll be a delayed. I am beginning to think maybe I’m going to be alright. Each day gets a tiny bit better. Of course, I cry everyday. But I’ve been doing that for a year. Old hat.
I’m a tough old bird and I’m just naturally happy. This is the toughest blow I’ve had to take. But I’ll be okay.
The last words Danny said to me was
“Are you going to alright?”
” I’m going to be alright.”
He smiled and kissed me and never said another word after that.
I just want to thank everyone for their kindness and generousity. You have all been so wonderful and supportive.
The End
Our beloved Danny’s story ended at 5:00am. He finally found the nearest exit. He donated his body to the Philadelphia hospitals with the hope that maybe someone else can be helped. The Humanity Gift Registry.
There will be no services. He only wanted to be seen alive.
He died on Fourth of July and gained his independence from his painful body.
Hanging on to the love
Danny is still with us. The hospice nurse keeps coming and saying he will pass soon. So she doesn’t give us extra meds. She said she hates to waste meds. Well, now his morphine is low and we have to worry they won’t get a new bottle to us in time. We shouldn’t have too worry about this.
I have a call in to get more, so we should have enough. He has enough for a couple hours yet.
His heart is beating. Really fast. 130 beats per minute. His oxygen is getting lower even though he is on oxygen. His fever is up to 130. His eyes are closed now, but his mouth gaps open. No food or drink for days.
All signs that he will pass soon.
All this and yet he still shows a little bit of reaction to things we say and do. An eyebrow shoots up, his brow furrows, his eyes blink, his toe twitches- reactions or just neurons sparking?
Just got the call- more morphine is ready to be picked up at the pharmacy for Danny. Our worries can rest. No one slept very well last night. Hourly meds administered by Lerin and Sonnet. At one point during the night Danny started gurgling, so Lerin called Sean over and then woke the rest of the house. Everyone camped out in the living room with Danny.
It’s not that he doesn’t want to leave, I think. We had a year to talk about this. Of course, he didn’t want to die but he came to terms with it. Not once was he afraid to die. It’s not fear that keeps him here. I think it’s because he has a strong , heathy body ( other than the cancer).
He always led a healthy lifestyle. No smoking,exercise, good food, lots of love. I just think his body is strong enough to keep up the fight for survival that is inherit in all of us.
Shutting down
Everything is shutting down.
Danny stopped talking, eating and drinking.
The end is near.
He’s got the fever
Not much to report today. Danny is still hanging in there and so are we. All the kids took leave of absence from work to help care for their beloved Daddy.
Most of the time he sleeps peacefully. Once in a while a toe wiggles, a half smile appears and a weak kiss forms on his lips if he is conscious enough to realize one of us is there kissing his feverish face.
The fevers rage on and on. 101, 102 plus. We hate torturing him with Tylenol suppositories and ice cold wash clothes on his groin, armpits, forehead and behind his neck. We cool him down to keep him comfortable.
He has had nothing to eat since Monday morning and that was only a tiny bit of ice cream and 2 raspberries from the garden.
We don’t allow anymore visitors other than family now so as we can keep everything calm and peaceful for him.
I hope this is all over for him soon.
Dylan ( Lerin’s boyfriend) said maybe he’s hanging on to keep soaking up all the love of his family. He doesn’t have to stay and suffer here for us to love him. We will love him through eternity.
A rebel till the end.
Ry gets a hug from Gramps
Ana gets her hug too!
Sonnet snuggles with her Daddy
The hospice nurse called a family meeting and said she expected Danny to pass last night. We cried. And then we cried some more.
He started breathing too fast. His urine is the color of dark red wine. The pain was increasing.
We started meds every hour. Liquid divan one hour, liquid morphine the next. All night long Lerin gave him his meds every hour till 1 o’clock and then Sonnet got up and continued till 3 am when I woke up to take over.
He had a fever of 101 when the nurse showed up. She gave him a tylenol suppository. We got cold washcloths and put them in his groin (he jumped when I did that) his armpits, head and back of neck. That made the fever go down till 7 am this morning. It went back up to 101, so we did it all over again.
He had a very peaceful, pain free night.
I got some very much needed sleep. I can’t even describe the emotions boiling inside me. Even if I could, I wouldn’t be able to write them without sobbing. So you will just have to imagine the pain in my broken heart. Even though I look over and see his body, its as if he is already gone. Leaving a big gaping hole in the raw dirt.
If you attended our 25th anniversary party, you might remember my little speech where I said we are like to trees that grew together and If one tree was ever ripped out the other would die because our roots are so tangled together. Well, my other half is being ripped from my roots.
I think I’ll be alright.
Have you ever seen one of those tough trees that grow along on the side of a cliff? Its roots bare and exposed , dangling downward into the dark cavern. But somehow that tree survives. It may be twisted and wind damaged but it is determined to hold on. I hope thats me.
Same ole, same ole
Sharon was by our side from the beginning.
Jocie gives Gramps a hug.
Last night was just a repeat of the night before. The only difference was this time I gave him liquid Haladol .5 ml instead of Adivan. It didn’t do anything for his agitation either.
It seems they have a term for this Sundowners. The sun goes down and they go up. Danny slept really sound yesterday. He had many visitors and woke once and while to smile at them.
He ate very little half a cup of ice cream and half a cup of beef-a-roni. It’s getting harder and harder for him to suck through a straw.so please don’t bring him anymore milkshakes, he can’t suck it up. I have to now crush his pills and some of them are given to him in liquid form now.
Pancreatic Cancer 